Sunday, January 02, 2011
Loss
I just woke up from a sequence of dreams fueled by anxiety.
Firstly, I lost my iPhone Saturday morning. I'm fairly convinced that I sat down on the train, and it was in my back pocket, then when I stood up it stayed on the seat. At any rate, it wasn't among my effects when I arrived home, alas. ><
Secondly, I believe I suffer from sleep apnea. I know that I snore horrendously, and I've been told that I also stop breathing often throughout the night. This sometimes breaks my sleep schedule up into very short patterns, especially if I fall asleep on my back.
So I'm sure it was a sequence of dreams, but it became one big narrative, at least for awhile. I'm sure there's something in my conscious mind that has stitched the various parts together.
Parts of it were... wonderful.
I was about 20 or 21 again. Sean was still a little guy. I had a pink mohawk all in braids. Pink and neon magenta were themes in at least one dream - it was the color of some event on campus.
At first, I was in a combination skate shop and music (instruments/gear) store. I had been looking for my inline skates, and couldn't find them, and Sean couldn't help me. We were in the basement of our old house on Tuttle Ave. A guy from the music store was a cancer survivor and I was visiting him at a special hospital. The hospital was more like a college campus - it was a huge complex, and some of the doctors lived in apartments on one level, while some of the patients and students lived in a dorm nearby. I was a student who was being checked for an injured leg. My family (Mom, Max, and Sean) were all having dinner with a group of people including one of my doctors/professors (I wasn't sure which, really).
That's where the wonderful parts get undermined by anxiety. No one knew what was wrong with my leg. I couldn't get the jeans I was wearing to fit right. I couldn't find the right wing, then the right floor, then the right room to meet the doctor. I didn't know anything about how the campus worked. I couldn't find my skates. I couldn't find the guy I wanted to visit. I was worried that he had a relapse. I couldn't find what I wanted to buy at the store.
But it all served to remind me, when I woke up, that things are just things. It's a colossal hassle that I lost my phone. It's distressing that there's no sign of it, but I can still complete calls to it, but no one answers. At least my privacy is protected because I have a password on it... But it's still out there, and gone but not quite gone. And to replace it won't be cheap. There are some people I may never be able to contact again, because I don't know their email/phone number. I can't even explain it to them easily.
But things are just things. And I'm not dead. My friends and family are relatively healthy (I hope!), and in the end, everything's going to be all right. I need that reminder more and more often.
Very frustrating.
so sez Matt Duncan at 1:16 AM
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